My Story of Fear, Worry, and Isolation...

By Bethany Jordin

While this is not an easy story to admit publicly for all the online world to see if there are even a few that can relate to it I think it is worthwhile sharing it.

Like countless others I had secretly suffered from progressively worse anxiety for many years. It was characterized mainly by excessive worrying, extreme self-consciousness and what-if thinking that lead to chronic insomnia.

In the beginning...

I had some minor anxiety as a teenager. Most people just thought I was shy. But after finishing college and getting a "real" job it really started to come on strong. Feelings that people were always judging me, that I should always have the right answer, and never make a mistake....literally dripping sweat and heart pounding when I was the center of attention or was asked to make an important decision. 

I wondered how did it get to this point...

The fear of being out in public and possibly embarrassing myself steadily got worse. Just going to the grocery store I prayed nobody would ask me any questions or even try to talk to me. I started to only go in the middle of the night but ended up just not going at all as you'll see later. Finally, at night going to bed involved full conversations with myself in my head second guessing every decision I made throughout the day and formulating dozens of negative what-if scenarios about the future. I wanted to sleep but these thoughts just wouldn't stop...

I knew it but did nothing...

I knew there was something wrong with me. I knew I needed help for the worrying and anxiety. I looked through my company medical benefits and even searched online for local therapists but I just couldn't bring myself to make an appointment.

I had been reducing myself to a life of near total isolation but it was the following fateful decision that was the start to a rapid decline toward rock bottom...I turned to alcohol to calm my mind and alleviate my worry and anxiety. Alcohol quickly became part of a nightly ritual to just turn off my mind. It felt so good to not have to think. Outside of work, liquor store, and the fast food drive-thru I rarely left the house. It was getting arrested for DUI one evening while going to get more vodka and going to jail that finally resulted in me being forced to take action and get help.

Anxiety self-help books...

Spending a night in jail was a real turning point. 24 hours locked in a tiny windowless room with only a cot and stainless steel toilet was near maddening. I had to try and find something other than alcohol to help me. I went down to Barnes & Noble and bought some self-help books for anxiety. They all ended up being very similar and suggested techniques such as "affirmations", "progressive relaxation" and "meditation". The techniques actually worked ok while I was doing them and made me feel better temporarily but it wasn't long before the same worries and anxious feelings would return...

Therapy alone wasn't the answer...

By now I had been to court and was ordered to see a therapist. It was at this time I was officially diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. The therapist employed some of the same techniques as the self-help books and while I believe they were somewhat more effective with professional guidance they still were not long lasting. With that she suggested a psychiatric evaluation for possible prescription antidepressant therapy such as an SSRI. My issues, she said, could be a chemical imbalance of serotonin in my brain. The theory actually made sense to me but I was very reluctant to start a prescription drug therapy. A close relative with anxiety almost lost her marriage due to the sexual side effects of an SSRI.  ( note: if you're already on an ssri DO NOT stop taking it abruptly...talk to your doctor....there can be serious withdrawal effects)

 A Natural Alternative....

I'm a logical person and the chemical imbalance of serotonin made sense to me. I embarked on a search for a natural or herbal product that might have a similar effect as a prescription antidepressant without the side effects. Hypericum Perforatum, more commonly called St John's wort, and the amino acid 5-HTP seemed to be the most widely discussed natural antidepressants that had results supported by published clinical studies. I experimented with each in various doses and while I felt some positive results they were inconsistent. In my continued research I found a natural antidepressant product that combined 5-HTP and St John's wort in a proprietary blend along with vitamin B-6, two additional natural herbs, and the hormone Melatonin. That product, called Seritol, seemed to work pretty consistently for me.

Where I'm at today...

I am happy to say that my social anxiety has been and remains mostly under control. While I doubt I'll ever be 100% free of the disorder I am less self-conscious and feeling much more comfortable in public situations. At work I've freely taken on more responsibilities, volunteered to head up some difficult projects, and been recognized by my manager as being more of a "team player". Additionally I can actually fall asleep most nights in a reasonable amount of time without spending hours upon hours worrying. Even though I'm no longer seeing the therapist on a consistent basis, maybe once every couple months, I still credit my ongoing success, new self-confidence, and peace of mind to her and the natural antidepressants in the Seritol formula.

No Guarantee...

The natural antidpressants in Seritol as a compliment to professional counselling were the key to my recovery and continued well-being. Since we are all biologically unique individuals there is no guarantee that what worked for me will work in the same manner for anyone else. With that said I hope my story and this site will provide useful information for anyone seeking alternatives to prescription antidepressants.

I wish you well....Bethany